Non-existent World Record
Skimming through the paperwork of your track record, you’ve placed zero. In other words, worthless and defective dear, you’re better regarded as non-existent. How did you get here? It’s clear you have lost your mere way. Quick, swallow your pride, you dick and take this map as your guide. Hold on tight, climb back up that selfish, selfless, umbilical cord, hide.